Almost there...

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I can't imagine what Ellen's going through right now. My heart aches for her loss.

My cousin lost a baby just a few weeks short of term. He was a perfect little angel at the funeral, with gorgeous curly red hair, and a face that never took a breath. It was her second child. The placenta just disintegrated unexpectedly and he died. But at least it was her second child. She had one to hold and comfort her. And she knew that she could carry to term. She now has another little girl.

But for Ellen, to lose her first child so close to the end. We talked last week about how the baby had dropped into position and it wouldn't be long now, about how the baby was doing cartwheels on the inside. She's wanted children for so long. The anguish of going through labor and delivery, knowing that the only thing at the end of that would be more tears. The questions and anxiety about whether there would be a next time. And then if there is a next time, it will be nine months of pure torture and anxiety, knowing at any moment it could end.

I can't imagine. When I do, it makes me cry big wet tears on my sweater. I wish there was more I could do. I wish that the pain I feel over this loss was somehow subtracting pain from how she feels about it. I wish things were different.

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